✔ HOT! Brochure feedback (from docs)
Completed by Greg A.
- Assigned to
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Greg A.
- Due on
- Notes
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Greg,
Think you can get to this, too? They will most likely have feedback below that you don't agree with, which I will reiterate why and yadda yadda.
Thank you!
All pages –All the subheads that are in purple only should be consistent with uppercase and lowercase letters for each word. Some are in sentence case and others capitalize each wordPage 1 – doesn’t like the “mussy” haired woman – is there possibly another photo??Page 2 – okPage 3 –- 1st para, 2nd sent – add “clinical” in front of staff (all the clinical staff are female but the entire staff is not so should clarify what staff)
- 3rd subhead – change “Huron, SD” to “Huron and the surrounding area”
Page 4 –- Main header – change “safe” to “caring”
- Main header – change “in Huron, SD” to “in Huron and the surrounding area”
- 1st para, 2nd sent – worried this sentence might cause friction with other docs and do not need to discount other Huron providers. The WWC docs’ goal is to stop the referrals out of town for gyn. Can it be reworded to reflect this?
- 1st para, 3rd sent – change “the most innovative healthcare solutions” to “state-of-the-art and individualized healthcare solutions”
- 2nd para, 1st sent – “reach far beyond reproductive health.” to “continue beyond the reproductive years.”
- 2nd para, 2nd sent – add “clinical” in front of staff
- 2nd para, 3rd sent – remove the word “truly”
- 2nd para, 3rd sent – change “all” to “your”
- 2nd para, 4th sent – would like the word “achieve” changed to something else
- 2nd bullet – add “& delivery” to the end
- 5th bullet – change “pelvic & postpartum pain” to “pregnancy discomforts & pelvic pain”
- 6th bullet – change “urinary incontinence” to “bladder leakage”
- Would like to ensure this brochure bulleted list encompasses the bulleted list of services included in a recent ad. Please refer to the list from the ad at the bottom of this email. Do you the brochure list covers everything?
Page 5 –- 1st para, 4th sent - add “clinical” in front of staff
- Footnote – remove the word “their”
Page 6 –- Subhead – change “long” to “full”
- Subhead – do not capitalize “well-woman”
- 1st para, 1st sent – change “a healthy life.” to “your healthiest life.”
- Well-woman care list, 2nd bullet - do not capitalize “well-woman”
- Well-woman care list, 4th bullet – remove “prenatal visits” bullet
- Gyn care list, 3rd bullet – add “, abnormal pap treatment”
- Gyn care list, 5th bullet – change “urinary incontinence” to “bladder leakage”
- Gyn care list, 6th bullet – remove the first “&” and insert a comma instead “Hysteroscopy, D&C”
- Gyn care list – add “Endometriosis treatment” either before or after “Endometrial ablation & surgery”
Page 7 –- 1st bullet - add “clinical” in front of staff
Page 8 –- Make this bulleted list the same as page 4
Bulleted lists from a previous ad:Women’s Health~ Wellness, Prevention & Cancer Screening~ Bladder Leakage Management and Treatment~ Menopause Management~ Abnormal Pap Smear Management/Procedures~ Pre-conception Counseling and Family Planning~ Normal and High-Risk Pregnancy Care~Fertility Optimization~ InfertilityGynecologic Procedures and Surgery~ Vaginal. Laparoscopic and Abdominal Hysterectomy~ Minimally Invasive Procedures and Surgeries~ Procedures for Pelvic Pain, Endometriosis, Fibroids, Heavy or Painful Periods and Abnormal Bleeding~ Endometrial Ablation (NOVASUREÒ)~ Bladder Slings~ Nexplanon Implant and IUD Placement
Niki
Immediately below are all the changes you provided in the Notes, but with my feedback/details. Please read carefully. I've added the marked PDF, but the truth is that the changes remain incomplete until the stuff in RED below gets resolved.
All pages
1st para, 2nd sent – add “clinical” in front of staff (all the clinical staff are female but the entire staff is not so should clarify what staff)3rd subhead – change “Huron, SD” to “Huron and the surrounding area”I made this change, but differently. On the flap/intro page (page 3) we already revised the subhead to this exact syntax. So, for this subhead on Page 5, I went with "Huron and surrounding communities." While we do want to repeat concepts, we don't want to repeat exact wording.Main header – change “safe” to “caring”I made this change, but "caring care" is a weirdness.Main header – change “in Huron, SD” to “in Huron and the surrounding area”1st para, 3rd sent – change “the most innovative healthcare solutions” to “state-of-the-art and individualized healthcare solutions”2nd para, 1st sent – “reach far beyond reproductive health.” to “continue beyond the reproductive years.”2nd para, 2nd sent – add “clinical” in front of staff2nd para, 3rd sent – remove the word “truly”2nd para, 3rd sent – change “all” to “your”2nd para, 4th sent – would like the word “achieve” changed to something elseChanged, but "achieve" is a lot better than the new word.2nd bullet – add “& delivery” to the end5th bullet – change “pelvic & postpartum pain” to “pregnancy discomforts & pelvic pain”Changed, but kept discomfort singular rather than making it plural.6th bullet – change “urinary incontinence” to “bladder leakage”1st para, 4th sent - add “clinical” in front of staffFootnote – remove the word “their”1st para, 1st sent – change “a healthy life.” to “your healthiest life.”Well-woman care list, 2nd bullet - do not capitalize “well-woman”Well-woman care list, 4th bullet – remove “prenatal visits” bulletGyn care list, 5th bullet – change “urinary incontinence” to “bladder leakage”Change made. But "bladder leakage" is just one type of urinary incontinence. If they only treat that one type, it'd be (A) surprising and (B) undermining of their claims to innovative, individualized care.Gyn care list, 6th bullet – remove the first “&” and insert a comma instead “Hysteroscopy, D&C”Gyn care list – add “Endometriosis treatment” either before or after “Endometrial ablation & surgery”Change made, but differently. I went with "Treatment for endometriosis".1st bullet - add “clinical” in front of staffHERE'S THE PDF. But, again, the changes are incomplete!
Ellipsis – We are leaning towards using spaces before and after the ellipsis. Since AP style says to add the spaces, even for a pause, we would like to be consistent so we have a guideline to follow for all of our marketing materials.
Here you go. For this one, I added the marks to the document submitted yesterday. Here it is, appended with today's date to avoid any confusion.
-_ G